


love me (and you're killing all my insides)

by bakedgarnet



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Garnet doesn't know if Pearl loves her, Human AU, Pearl is grieving, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 15:46:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14855609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakedgarnet/pseuds/bakedgarnet
Summary: Tumblr prompt: Garnet feeling insecure about how much Pearl loves her"She avoided it like witches avoided Salem; as if locusts would seize the skies and humanity would cease to exist if the three words ever left her lips."





	love me (and you're killing all my insides)

Seven months.

 

Garnet had been dating her for  _ seven months _ , and Pearl had yet to say “I love you.”

 

She avoided it like witches avoided Salem; as if locusts would seize the skies and humanity would cease to exist if the three words ever left her lips.

 

Garnet said it as easily as she spared air from her lungs. She said it every morning when they woke up in each others arms, and every time after in which they would not see each other for longer than half an hour. 

 

The thought nagged at the back of Garnet’s head for months, driving her to a spiral so deep that she could hardly remember what it felt like to not have an ache in her chest.

 

Not that she would ever bring it up. The last thing she wanted to do was upset her-- corner her in some way. Perhaps she simply wasn’t ready to say it. This was not a thing that could be rushed, Garnet figured. 

 

And so when Pearl shuffled her bare feet across the wood floors of their shared apartment to her stash of alcohol in the cabinet, Garnet simply grit her teeth and stared unseeingly at the blank television screen. 

 

Everyone coped with trauma their own way, and Pearl’s, unfortunately, came in a bottle.

 

“How was work?” Pearl asked after gulping down a mouthful of brown liquid.

 

“Long. I’m glad to be home,” Garnet said, eyes still glued to the blank screen across from her. She heard more than saw Pearl walk over to the window on the far side of the room. There was a long stretch of silence, and Garnet could see her lean her shoulder against the window pane in her periphery.

 

“Why was it so long?” Pearl asked.

 

“I was training this little boy, and he has a great build for boxing, but he’s terrified of hurting other people. His father has put him in the program to make him more ‘manly’, which is sad to see considering he’s such a gentle kid,” Garnet shrugged, “and it’s difficult to train a boy to box who refuses to throw a punch.”

 

“Mhm.” 

 

Garnet felt the gust of a sigh blow from between her lips without her permission, and could feel the argument that was about to start because of it like the heaviness of the air that preceded a thunderstorm.

 

“I’m  _ trying,  _ Garnet.”

 

“It’s fine, okay? Forget about it,” Garnet said as she stood from the couch and gathered her gym bag up from where she had previously sat it on the coffee table. Her feet carried her halfway across the room to the doorway that would take her to their shared bedroom, but then Pearl was speaking again.

 

“What do you want from me?” The question left her voice raised desperately, frustration overtaking her face when she pushed off of the window pane to look Garnet in the eye.

 

“I don’t want to fight, Pearl,  _ please.” _

 

_ “ _ I’m not trying to fight, I’m trying to have an adult conversation like you’re always asking me to!” She seemed to be unknowingly unscrewing the bottle of liquor as she spoke, and had raised it halfway to her lips for another swig before she caught herself. She stared down at the mouth of the bottle for a long second, brows furrowed over her pale eyes, and took a long drink from it anyway.

 

Garnet swallowed heavily and turned back around to face the doorway. A deep breath raised her shoulders high, nearly to her ears, before she released it all at once and they dropped down lifeless beside her. She put the bag down at her feet and turned around to fully face her girlfriend.

 

“What do I want from you? I want to know why you choose to be here, with me, every day when you are so  _ obviously _ miserable.”

 

Pearl scowled as she twisted the cap back onto the bottle and sat it on the windowsill with a sharp  _ clunk _ .

 

“I’m not  _ miserable _ . I’m grieving.”

 

“And I understand your grief. You’ve been through more than most people could come out of with their minds intact, but why do you choose to stay here when it’s not making you feel any better? Why did you come to me after—“ Garnet stopped herself short, clenching her jaw and averting her gaze to the adjacent wall.

 

“After what? Say it,” Pearl taunted, her face carefully non-expressive as she leaned back against the window pane. Her legs crossed below her and her arms crossed themselves over her chest.

 

“I’m not doing this with you right now,” Garnet said quietly, bending down to pick her back back up and exit the room, but was stopped halfway down by the sound of Pearl’s scoff.

 

“After I killed my fiancée? After I thought someone had broken into our house  _ again _ and I thought I was defending myself from  _ another _ attacker? After I heard her voice cry out—“ Pearl’s hand flew over her mouth, and her chest trembled like she was holding back a noise that would reflect her anguish. “After I heard her voice cry out and realized that I had stabbed the woman I wanted to marry?” Her voice was much quieter the second try.

 

Garnet’s eyes were on the floor, lips pursed.

 

“So why  _ did  _ I run to you and your bed after the trial and stay here for the past two years? Was it to drink up all your liquor and let myself be comforted by the fact that there was at least  _ one _ person alive who loved me?”

 

Garnet’s eyes shot up and stared at her in a dizzying mixture of hurt, pity and rage.

 

“You’re trying to get me to fight with you, and I’m not doing it, Pearl.”

 

“That’s what you’ve been asking yourself since we started dating, right?”

 

When Garnet didn’t answer right away, she snorted and turned her body sideways until she was facing the wall instead of her girlfriend. “Of course I’m right.”

 

“Maybe I’ve been using you. Maybe I’m terrified of being alone, and knew that you’ve loved me since college, and everything just makes perfect sense after that, doesn’t it? Is that what you want to hear?” Pearl’s voice slowly raised, and by the time she finished talking she was staring Garnet deep into her brown and blue colored eyes once again.

 

The mixture of emotions there swirled violently, and Garnet could feel every single one of them clawing at the inside of her chest with abandon. She tried to take a deep breath and instead only felt like she was suffocating. The claws in her chest were blocking her airways.

 

“No,” she whispered.

 

“Then  _ talk to me _ .”

 

“Do you love me?” Garnet finally asked. The question hung in the air between them like smoke, thick and suffocating and heavy.

 

Pearl deflated and dropped her hand down to pick the bottle back up, but she didn’t open it.

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Does any of this sound like like a joke to you?” Garnet’s eyebrows scrunched together as a frown overtook her features.

 

“I do love you. I love you so much it terrifies me because the last person that I loved as much as I love you is  _ dead _ .” Pearl said the words Garnet had been waiting to hear all of this time, and instead of lighting her world aflame they each felt like a punch in the gut.

 

Guilt and relief were busy warring in her heart when Pearl continued.

 

“And you’re the only family I have left. Which makes me want to give you the whole world, but it also makes me remember, every time that I look at you, how quickly you could be gone, too.”

 

Pearl cracked the bottle back open and took a long chug before putting the cap back on and placing it back in the cabinet. When she stepped away from the window pane, her legs were more wobbly than before. She crossed the room slowly, eyelids heavy with the blanket of alcohol she shrouded herself in, and stood toe to toe with Garnet. 

 

Garnet didn’t realize that she was crying until Pearl was reaching up to wipe a tear from her cheek. Her fingers were hot against her face.

 

“Thanks for being patient with me. I’ll see someone, get some help, soon. Right now I just need this, okay? I need time— and I need you.”

 

Pearl leaned up and captured Garnet’s lips in a gentle kiss that tasted of Hennessy and loss. Garnet reached up to cup the back of her neck, apologize and thank and love through nothing but their kiss.

 

When they pulled away, their foreheads rested against each other, and Pearl’s eyes were closed, but Garnet could see that her eyelashes were wet.

 

“I love you, too.” Garnet murmured in the space between them.

 

Pearl finally pulled away and nodded with a tiny smile.

 

“I know.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Endless thanks for the angsty prompt I was craving, love-killed-the-superstar (tumblr)!! 
> 
> I've been in a rut lately with trying to update my other pearlnet works because I've been watching Jessica Jones and the only inspiration I currently have is very gritty and dark. Hard to write fluff that way, so I'm trying to work the angst out of my system.
> 
> Thanks for reading, feel free to comment below or find me on Tumblr (bakedgarnet.tumblr.com)!


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